epiphany

it was just the other day when i lost it and broke down because i felt alone and depressed. every now and then, loneliness creeps into my system, showing its fatal claws right in front of my face as if saying, "i haven't striked yet. not even close. but i'm here. it may may not feel like it now, but, i am STILL here."

and like the gullible little kid i've always been, i got scared. scared to face the fact that i am indeed alone and will probably die just like that..... ALONE.

years of trying to find my niche took me nowhere. friends. yeah, there were friends made. some of whom, i thought, would last for a lifetime.

they've been good to me, yes. for years, i've loved and felt loved. it was the most wonderful feeling. and i'll always be thankful for that.

and just when i thought my river's flowing calmly and smoothly.... raging waters came rushing in. one by one they came. each one stronger than the last. each one slowly tearing down that wall that have been shielding me from pain. and those people... those people whom i thought would throw me the safety line... they were nowhere in sight. those people of whom, for years, my world revolved in... those of whom i thought would be there.... ALL GONE. just like that.

not only did pain came invading my little world, loneliness came rushing in too.

i was left hurt. i was left in mind-numbing, emotionally-crippling pain. miserable. desolate. words not even close to what i'm really feeling.

despair...

for the longest time i've hidden behind the shadows of angst. the littlest things blew off my top. anger saved me from making the world see how meek, feeble, and gullible i truly am. in the most unusual place have i found the closest thing to security. the only setback --- it's unhealthy.

it had been three, long, trying years. i'm just starting to pick up the pieces. each tiny piece as precious as the other. each one as important. each, indispensable in bringing back the old me, if not making a better me.

i may not have the same people to go through this journey. but i sure have enough to keep me company. these people, they've seen me in my lowest. they've seen the worst. and they stayed regardless of how stubborn or difficult i was. they stood by me. i may not have known them for so long but it never felt that way. they never made me feel that way. they may not be as many, but they are all that i need. they push me to the right direction. they keep me sane. they are keeping me from looking back and preventing me from doing the backslide. THEY ARE ALL THAT I NEED.


*******
eternally grateful