"you deserve everything that i have given you. and maybe even more, that's why i'm giving you more. 'cos if i don't, you may never know how much you mean to me."

- September 11, 2001


5 years. it's been five years since you sent that to me. the sweetest, most thoughtful words ever said to me. it made me feel 40 kinds of joy and love, that message. i believe i had the best sleep, that night.

but it was WRONG. something in those words was wrong. the manner it was said? the "level" of love we were in when those words were said? (level of love... if there's such a thing) no. that's not it. it shouldnt've been said in the first place. you shouldnt've said it to me in the first place.

you & me. US. it never happened. there was never an "us." we were never "together." it may have felt, and to other people, it may have looked liked it, but "us" never happened. NEVER.

the dates, the conversations, the time we spent with each other. each time we held hands, each emotion i felt, the moments, even the arguments... i remember them all. each and every one of them.

was it really loved that we felt? the perfect love for the perfect couple but in the wrong time? or did we just made ourselves believe that we were in love when in fact, we weren't? OR did I make myself believe that you were in love with me but really, you weren't? maybe i knew. maybe i did. but i was just to stubborn to believe it. besides, it'd be much too painful, much too hurtful that's why i refused to believe it. maybe you knew about it too. i don't know. i will never know.

it's been years. almost 3 since we decided to "part ways", or rather, when i decided to let go. i should have gotten over it by now. but i haven't. forget about it, they all say. but can one really forget something that had made you feel cared for, loved, and happy in a million different ways? i know i can't. i tried, REAL HARD, but obviously didn't succeed.

i should let go. you, i did a long time ago. you gave up on me. i promised i would never, ever let you go. "i will never let you go. i will never let "us" go. not now, not later, not ever," i remember i'd always say to assure you that im going nowhere. and if i remember it right, you did too. but you gave up. i lost. and the only right thing to do then was to break my promise and do the thing that for me is even worse than committing suicide. letting you go was the hardest thing i ever had to do my entire life.

i really should let it go. this feeling... it's this feeling, this longing to be loved again, to be in that same position again, i should let it go.


******
it doesn't mean anything
without you here with me
cos after all is said and done
i still need you here with me...