epiphany

it was just the other day when i lost it and broke down because i felt alone and depressed. every now and then, loneliness creeps into my system, showing its fatal claws right in front of my face as if saying, "i haven't striked yet. not even close. but i'm here. it may may not feel like it now, but, i am STILL here."

and like the gullible little kid i've always been, i got scared. scared to face the fact that i am indeed alone and will probably die just like that..... ALONE.

years of trying to find my niche took me nowhere. friends. yeah, there were friends made. some of whom, i thought, would last for a lifetime.

they've been good to me, yes. for years, i've loved and felt loved. it was the most wonderful feeling. and i'll always be thankful for that.

and just when i thought my river's flowing calmly and smoothly.... raging waters came rushing in. one by one they came. each one stronger than the last. each one slowly tearing down that wall that have been shielding me from pain. and those people... those people whom i thought would throw me the safety line... they were nowhere in sight. those people of whom, for years, my world revolved in... those of whom i thought would be there.... ALL GONE. just like that.

not only did pain came invading my little world, loneliness came rushing in too.

i was left hurt. i was left in mind-numbing, emotionally-crippling pain. miserable. desolate. words not even close to what i'm really feeling.

despair...

for the longest time i've hidden behind the shadows of angst. the littlest things blew off my top. anger saved me from making the world see how meek, feeble, and gullible i truly am. in the most unusual place have i found the closest thing to security. the only setback --- it's unhealthy.

it had been three, long, trying years. i'm just starting to pick up the pieces. each tiny piece as precious as the other. each one as important. each, indispensable in bringing back the old me, if not making a better me.

i may not have the same people to go through this journey. but i sure have enough to keep me company. these people, they've seen me in my lowest. they've seen the worst. and they stayed regardless of how stubborn or difficult i was. they stood by me. i may not have known them for so long but it never felt that way. they never made me feel that way. they may not be as many, but they are all that i need. they push me to the right direction. they keep me sane. they are keeping me from looking back and preventing me from doing the backslide. THEY ARE ALL THAT I NEED.


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eternally grateful

scorching hot!

while watching ET, i saw a segment about oprah's designer nate berkus' bout with the south asia killer tidal wave. nate and his partner (i forgot his name) were on vacation in sri lanka when the tragic incident happened. (nate, i dont you and you dont know me either, but im so sorry for your loss. my condolences.)

so anyways, i've always thought nate was straight. he's hot. he's gorgeous. he doesn't look the least bit gay to me. well...ok... maybe he was too gorgeous. but how was i to know? gay-dar failed me this time.

you know how it is with me and gay people right? how i absolutely adore them? well, i've been having crushes on gay people for the longest time now (just so you know, i dint know they were gay. well, except for "will truman", that is.)so i think it's about time i make a TOP 10 GORGEOUS GAY PEOPLE list. but im not posting that one yet. hehehe.

nate, kyan, "will".... what am i going to do with you, people?!


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certain AND confused

band alert! band alert!

THE SPEAKS

new band (i think) i saw on MTV. they look like they're pinoy but i just checked their site and they're based in virginia. but that doesn't dismiss anything about them being pinoy and stuff right? that dint say if they're pinoy or anything either. so i could be wrong. (toledo and dela cruz definitely sound pinoy, right?)all i know is that they're asians. so what's the probability that they could be? HUGE.

anyways, they rock. and they rock hard! totally dig the music. their song, "life's a joke" just blew me away. great vocals, great lyrics, great song. i knew right away that they must be google-ed. it's a crime not to.

so i went online to see if there's anything about them. i came across their official site and their myspace account. tried to look for lyrics to post here. NO SUCCESS. checked launchcast and mediaplayer if i could listen to their songs...guess what....NOTHING. what the hell is wrong with launchcast?! they're so good they SHOULD be in launchcast. but nooooo. they aren't. that just plain sucks.

so any of you guys who has a clue where i could get stuff about 'em, please, please send me a line.

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thinkin' about the days when i was young,
and life was lookin' pretty...
hard to commit when all you think is
LIFE'S A JOKE...

red all over (continuation)

i kindov forgot to put him on the list yesterday so i'm posting it today:

- Kyan Douglas
> wherever can you find a guy who could be your typical sexy/hot/gorgeous/machoman and still give you advice on how to take care of your skin and hair and give you hair/skincare products at the same time? where, huh?! gorgeous. gorgeous. gorgeous. JUST GORGEOUS.
and oh. yeah, he's gay. like that even matters.

_____________________________________________

i'm thinkin of making a top 10 gorgeous gay men list.

you think?


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sane but im overwhelmed

red all over part II

LIST OF MEN THAT MAKE ME BLUSH SCARLET EACH AND EVERY TIME:

- Eric McCormack
> plays "Will" on Will and Grace. eventhough he's gay, he's still sexy. gay men ARE sexy. Will-Truman-types anyway.

- Jason Lewis
> plays "Smith Jerrod" in Sex and the City. where can you find a guy who'd shave his head (eventhough he loves his hair more than his life) just so his girlfriend wouldn't get all conscious about losing her hair to chemotherapy? sexy. sexy. SEXY.

- Dennis Quaid
> simply delicious.

- Giovanni Ribisi
> dangerously yummy. i don't understand why, but i have this certain affinity to actors who often play psycho/mental patient in the movies. he's still hot.


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still making a list of men that i absolutely adore.

bonkers

- bakit ang elepante hindi tumatalon?

- ano ang tagalog ng "clue?"

- ano ang english ng "santol?"

- follow up question: ano ang english ng "kangkong?"

- bakit ang rambutan mabuhok?

- bakit ang laway na pinalobo nde lumilipad?


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i just thought i'd ask.

iron deficiency, panic attacks, and getting sick

two weeks into the new year... let's have a recap:
1.) a day into the new year and i got sick. fever. left me lying on my bed for one whole day. so much for trying to be productive eh?
2.) nosebleeds.
3.) tried to get into the new year's resolution thingy.... gave up on the third day.
4.) more nosebleeds.
5.) TRIED to find me-self work
6.) have i mentioned nosebleeds?

two weeks into the new year and all i did was get sick, try to do something productive and then in the middle of it, get sick again. is this trying to tell me something? anything? 'cause if it is, all i could think of's negative stuff. and i don't wanna get all negative again.

i've been having nosebleeds so often, it's not even funny. i'm not really worried about having 'em 'cause i've been having nosebleeds for as long as i could remember, but i only get them during the summer or when it's really hot. it's chilly now even during the day that's why it's kinda odd for me to have 'em.

i think it was friday when i asked jelo to ask doc gabs about my nosebleeds and mystery bruises. he said something about me being anemic and that i need to get iron supplements. and he said that i should still get my blood tests just to make sure. (i'm editing out the sermon part. =P) and being the stubborn ass that i am, i really have no plans of getting myself checked up until one night my mum saw my nose bleeding. to make the story short, she immediately called the family physician and scheduled me for cbc and platelet count tests.

have i mentioned that i'm deathly, deathly afraid of needles? ohhh yeahh. i was sent off to the hosp early in the morning to get the tests done. my panic attacks lasted longer than the actual procedure. i was grinding my teeth to a pulp, my tummy felt like it's full of creepy crawlers...not even butterflies. i got the results in a few hours. and guess what?! EVERYTHING'S NORMAL. my doctor could not see anything wrong with me. she just gave me nasal spray and vit. c which i hafta take for a month. and i forgot to take 'em yesterday. and i'll probably forget to take them in the next few days too. hehehe.

so that's my first two weeks of 2005 in a nutshell.


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crimson red