scalpel, sutured, made whole again

"you can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn't a bad mood at all... it's just your sucky personality."
- megan afferty, Sloppy Firsts

definitely hit home. my depression isn't brought about by the weather.. or the lame ass people i come across.. or that icky cold pizza i ate when i craved for it last night.. nor is it brought brought about by my destiny. i'm depressed simply because i have a sucky personality.

my personality is sucky. my personality is hated, nay, despised by a lot of people. nobody likes me because of my personality. my personality makes me do a lot of things i shouldn't. it ruins everything. i don't get things my way because of my personality. my personality is neither good or nice, therefore, it is sucky.


*******
now i know why.

nursery rhymes --- and more

IN SPRING I LOOK GAY

In Spring I look gay,

Decked in comely array,

In Summer more clothing I wear;

When colder it grows,

I fling off my clothes,

And in Winter quite naked appear.

*******

who said nursery rhymes aren't sexual?

you can't piss on our heads when you've shat on us in the first place

snap out of it! you're makin' us all miserable. you're always like that. when you're down you just always have to bring people down with you! grow up. stop sulking and work yourself out of that hole you're in.

it's crazy how you make yourself sad for no reason at all. we can't leave you alone 'cause the moment we do, you start crying and we could never ever make you stop. what the hell is wrong with you?! we told you to go to a shrink 'cause you just got issues we can't handle. have you gone to the friggin shrink?! Noooo. you just stayed in your room like the friggin asshole you've always been and told us to go away and leave you alone. you told us you're your own shrink and no one could help you but yourself. help your friggin' self then! we're sick and tired of putting up with your endless whines and unreasonable pain-in-the-ass attitude.

you're wondering why you're alone... think, you imbecile! nobody likes you 'cause you're an ass! difficult, stubborn, worthless lil ass! want to get out of that hole? start by going out of your friggin' room, fix your shitty face, and start talking with people. if only the walls of that hell hole that is your room could talk they'd tell you the same thing. i'm sure.

now go out and try to be normal.


******
damn. im talkin to myself again.

end of the road

i am not well. not even close. i'm difficult. i'm stubborn. i'm the worst person anyone could've ever met. my friends hate me. my family hates me. even I hate myself too.

look at what i've been reduced to. worthless piece of poo. i cease to live. i only exist. i only exist for gawd-knows-what. i should be banished. i should be thrown into some barren wasteland with nothing but hideous creatures who crave for human flesh. that's the only thing i'm good for.

im worthless. totally.


*******
"and now that i can see you, I DONT THINK YOU'RE WORTH A SECOND GLANCE"

it's time to go home now. it's been the "greatest" day..

went hospital-hopping today and it wasn't as productive as i expected it to. i went off early this morning half-expecting to pass 3 resumes at those 3 hospitals i called up last week and checked for vacancies. well, life's definitely a bitch. turned out, only one of 'em really had a vacancy and those people i've talked with on those two effin hospitals are just quasi-humans with half-a-brain who doesn't really know what "V-A-C-A-N-C-Y" means. UGH. total waste of money, time, and energy! not to mention that these three hospitals were located at different parts of the metro.

well, the trip wasn't all that bad though. for one thing, i got to prove that i have a "sense of direction" and it's working perfectly fine. (excuse that walking trip to robinson's place from NBI though. i was with someone who doesn't have any sense of direction whatsoever. totally contradicting my vibes.) all i have were phone numbers and addresses. no idea really of how to get there. but i got to go where i needed to without getting lost... not even close to getting lost. and considering that i've been a monk, that's definitely something.

first on my list is that hospital where my friend's working. it was... er... ok. i was expecting hotel-ish lobbies, bright lights, sparkly lil people, fluent english-speaking guards, you know. i was kindov thinking "rich man's hospital". considering that most of their clients are chinoys and well, most chinoys are rich. shallow eh? you get my drift.

this is quite a silly thing to say but after passing through the gate, i got scared. like "scared-out-of-my-wits" scared. don't get me wrong. i dont have any problems with our chinky-eyed friends. i actually have quite a few. but seeing them, lots of em, in one place... that's scary. it's like i've entered a whole other world without anything on me. every clinic door i passed, there's a three-lettered surname. freaky. really. i felt like an alien.

the rest of the day's been full of air pollution, traffic, and my wallet running out of cash. transpo fare's gone up like my sugar level when im pigging out on that decadent choco cake. taking the car's definitely not an option since traffic's hell and petrol prices have gone up as well. what do i hafta do to get a friggin' job around here?! ugh.

HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY: "Leave the attitude at home. For the day of the interview, at least."

i'm a difficult, difficult kid. at least that's what my dear friends think. am i really?

emotions' hittin an all-time low. depression's as high as the petronas towers. it's slowly killing me. i know. i wouldn't be surprised if i just collapse one day and die. not that i dont want that any time soon. dying's getting to be quite a choice. considering how my life sucks right now, it's definitely a choice.

*******
if i go crazy then will you still call me SUPERMAN?

paranoia

the tunnel's still dark and not a hint of light ahead. suffocation and claustrophobia seemed to be the only company left. out of mind and out of breath. struggles. murmurs. it's all in my head. unknown little creatures cramping up on my bed.

anger, disappointments, frustrations, and then some more. the future's left me scared shitless and pushed me to the floor. alone, worthless, nothing's all i'll ever be. never aspire to be somebody like me.

********

scared shitless and NEVER gonna get out of this predicament.

i dont think you're worth a second glance

revelations. confessions. everything's caught me off-guard. darnnit.

i wish i never knew. i wish i didn't understand. i wish i didn't hear. i wish i wasn't there when you had to blurt everything out. i wish you never told me. i wish i didn't see. i wish i never knew you at all. i wish. i wish. i wish.

*******

i guess that all you've got is all you gonna get.
so much for so much more...

i'm still miserable.

kill me now, please?

hope dangles on a string...

i think im doing the backslide and falling into depression again. what's worse is i know what the problem is and i can't do anything about it!

i tried going to the mall and shop myself silly but that didn't seem to work. shoes, no effect. clothes, didn't even leave a hint of happiness. cd's, that ALMOST made me smile (have i thanked God for that new tower rec in north edsa?!). heck, food didn't even quite do it. can you believe that?! FOOD. F-O-O-D dint even make me smile. that's DEFINITELY NOT a good sign!

i feel totally worthless. and alone. and frustrated. and disappointed. and displeased with myself. i hope my ability to show negative emotions works this time. oh gawd. why now?!

i think il just drive myself silly. maybe the night breeze in my face would do me good.

i hope.

driving heaven

FINALLY my unca handed me the keys to the car. dont get me wrong. they hand me the keys alright. pero para lang ilabas ang auto sa garage. o kaya i-park. pfft. hahaha. homaygoodness. it was hella fun. really. i dont get to drive around that much at night. and tonight the auto was mine!!! all mine!!! i drove around. and i mean AROUND.

and then 30 minutes after, i realized why he gave it to me. the car was low on gas. pfft. i had to go to the gas station pa to have it filled. and gawd. mahal na pala talaga ang gas ha.

i wont even dare to bring that car during the day. i dont care if i just take public transpo. with evil jeepney drivers around, id rather take public transpo. sa init pa lang ng ulo na aabutin mo sa tinamaan ng magaling na mga drivers, mag-commute ka na lang. di ba? pro if im in palawan, that's a different story. mum let's me take the car out na eh. but hey, palawan's way diff than manila. they don't have evil drivers there. only stupid ones. ang kukulit. nde magsitabi. kala mo truck ang dala, tricycle lang pla. at kung mkagitna parang knila ung kalsada.

im doin it again tomorrow. promise. hehe. aabot nko sa malayo. today quirino highway, tomorrow EDSA. bwahahaha.

oh crap! im giddy again.

procrastinating procrastination

im the BIGGEST procrastinator the procrastinating God ever made. maybe that's why i was born a lil bit late than i should've because the procrastinating God procrastinated on me.

i haven't done anything i was supposed to today. and i got lotsa things i should've. i procrastinated and procrastinated and procrastinated. was supposed to do job calls today.... WELL THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. mall.... THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN TOO. clean my room....OH! THAT, TOO. pfft.

it's now crystal clear why i have a very very very uncertain future. i used to blame it on events, people, and well, fate. now it's clear. no need for explanations. i got the most stubborn-EST ass ever. (yeah. tautological, aint it? emphasis needed. thankyouverymuch.) im neilarmstrong-ing my way to success. and it's scaring me.

what the hell happened?! i used to be all i-need-to-do-this-NOW and procrastination-doesn't-exist-in-my-dictionary. but now i'm like, i-could-do-that-later and that-aint-needed-yet-so-i'll-just-do-that-some-other-time.

i want my old self back! i want it back NOW!

ugh.

back, and i hope, for good

oh wow! it had been two loooong weeks since i've gone OL. (yeah, that was just two darn weeks. but it felt like ages, huh?!) and for an internet addict like i am, that is DEFINITELY an improvement.

anyway, the last two weeks had been a blur. i'm back in gray, moldy, manila. (blecch!) everything's back to it's crappy self. oh gawd! i miss palawan already. my first few days here were kindov fun. yeah, twas halloween when i got back. the party, the overnight stay at the cemetery, seein the babies....yup that was FUN. the next few days wasn't as much fun though. but it's all good. i kindov expected that everything will be back to "crappy" normal.

i just got my license. don't, nay, NEVER look at my pro license picture if you don't wanna get nightmares for months. think, siopao with red food color overdose. not a pretty sight, is it? i think government cameras are meant to scare people. just look at your driver's licenses. ever know somebody lookin' pretty in their license pics? show 'em to me and i'll kill them. the next few weeks will be allotted for job hunting. i'm back to checkin' out classifieds, the net, you know the drill. this is DEFINITELY a sign that im back in hell. ugh.

don't get me wrong i'd love to find a job. especially since the holidays are coming. (me would need moolah if i want to get the 'rents decent gifts, wouldn't i?) it's the process of finding one's what i despise. travellin' all over the metro just to have me wait for hours just to accept my resume (not even an initial interview. ugh.) isn't my idea of fun. not to mention metro manila TRAFFIC. UGH. and man, those HR people should be more sociable if they chose those jobs. most of 'em (i said MOST, not ALL) are like spinsters. they're uber-sungit. and their stares look like they would eat you whole. FUH-REAAAKYYY!

job hunting would definitely be fun if i had a "job hunting buddy" with me. but alas! my job hunting buddy had already found himself a job.

anyways, i still have a couple of entries i'd post but i hafta get ready for mass. i'll just post them....uhm....soon? yeah. soon.

dazed and confused

why do you say the things you say?! why?! WHHYYYYY?!?!

do you mean everything you just said or are you just playing with my gullible little mind?

oh gawd. please tell me it's all real... tell me YOU'RE real....


*kilig*


i could die now. really.

giddiest EVER!

i now have my hands on that "A MARK, A MISSION, A BRAND, A SCAR" album i've been dying to get my hands on since...since forever! and u bet im happy as hell. haha. omg! omg! omg!

thank gawd for that new tower records in north edsa. i can't believe myself for not buying it the first time i saw it on the rack. my mind's arguing if i should really buy it cuz i..... hmmmn.... well.... uhmm.... oh gawd! i don't even have a clue why i didn't buy it. haha.

they don't have "THE PLACES YOU HAVE COME TO FEAR THE MOST" though. crap! where to buy it? where to buy it? anyone got a clue? please leave a message on my uber-punk ass message board. haha. and no, the guys from the states can't suggest where to buy it unless it could be accessible for me.... or, THEY would BUY it for me. (puhlease?) hahaha.

oooo....k. id better go now.