pain, pain, go away. NEVER come back, please?

"haym in peynnnnn!!! haym in extreeeeeme peeynnnnnn!!!"

yeah. still am. i'm not supposed to hurt this much, right? damn.

anyways, today was busy. i spent the whole day recording stuff on cassette while rewriting entries on my journal while texting PoHa LoCa. All that while trying to put up a decent conversation with tito emon and ronnie. how's that for multi-tasking?

mum and i had dinner at Dang Maria's Dos tonight. food was...er...ok. it was effin' expensive though. well, compared to high-end resto's it's cheapo. but man, the food was good but it wasn't THAT good. they make good pizzas though. (i better start defining my "goods"..you think?)

i'm still in mind-numbing pain. i took mefenamic acid already. and it's not doing anything. i think i should start taking narcotics. hand me that morphine, will ya?

man. i hate pain. i hate it, i hate it, I HATE IT!!!

blood, gore, and extreme PAIN

"kkkrrrrr...bzzzztttt...qwizzzttt...yank..yank..kkrrrrr.....wsssshhhh....yank..yank..
brrrr... wsssshhh....psssttt."

four fillings, an extraction, and two vials of local anaesthesia later, i was in extreme, mind-numbing, morbidly dizzying pain.

dentist visits are never pleasant. may it just be routine check-up or that dreaded root canal. especially root canal. i once believed that dentists are modern day witches and wizards. they exist to drain whatever strength's left in you.

don't get me wrong, my dentist's nice. real nice actually. it's his equipments that aren't. (hold that dirty thought!) he tries to be as gentle with me as possible, askin' me if i'm feelin any pain every now and then, but man! he always hits that spot that makes you scream, "motherfawkinasshole!" and a whole other profanities.

i've lost about a liter of blood since that extraction. that darnblasted molar put up a helluva fight. my dentist had to yank (yes, yank NOT remove) it out root by root. and there were three. thank gawd for anaesthesia! i think all that yanking distorted my face in about a thousand places.

oh the pain! the pain!!!

i'm still bleeding.

someone give me painkillers!!! i'll take that morphine thankyouverymuch.

*giddygiddygiddygiddygiddygiddygiddy*

i got me-self a walkman today. yep. a walkman. not a disc man...not a portable cd player, but, a WALKMAN. oLd sChOoL baby!

it's cheap-ass i tell you. i think it's made in china. it's all good though. besides, i don't need a sony or an aiwa. 's long as it plays my music, i'm all for it. i'm plannin' to bring it with me anywhere i go. and just in case i need to give it up (God forbid) i won't feel sorry for it. and i could buy another one. haha. err....i'll ask mum to buy me another one. heehee.

and you know what?! this thing's A-m-A-z-i-N-g. i could still use it even without the earphones. it has built-in speakers. how purdy is that, huh?!

the rest of my night's spent recording songs into a cassette. and prolly tomorrow too. oh gawd, oh gawd, oh gawd... im giddy. pfft. this is so much fun. cassette tapes...hmmmn. i missed cassettes. haha. i'm so friggin' happy it's not even funny.

tomorrow's sched is quite busy. morning's gonna be spent buying blank tapes (yep, more songs...whee!) and cd's and i'm gonna go with czars 'cause she wanted to buy herself a walkman too. she doesn't know where to buy it and i do so im'a go with her. in the afternoon, im'a be at the dentist's. hafta have one tooth extracted (eeeeyoowwwtchhh!) then if i heard right, the 'rents gonna treat me out for dinner. i think they're planning to go to this resto where you need to take off your shoes and they only serve seafoods...or something like that. i'm not really sure.

so, there. fun day, huh? i hope i'll get more days like this.

pfft. I WISH.

yada yada yada yada

yes, it's one of 'em blah days again...where everything and everyone's lazy as hell. nothing happened today. just moped and bummed around the house. i tried to entertain myself by watching videos but to no avail.

this is what i've been reduced to. boring. blank. flat. so opposite of what i've been used to. tsk. tsk. anyone care to slash a knife down my back?

this.
is.
never.
gonna.
get.
better.

PFFFT.

GAY?
oh gawd...please NOOO....

thanks for waiting this long to show yourself

the aftershock of yesterday's events were felt today. i wasn't bothered as much though. i knew it would happen so i was kindov prepared. i had early morning scratches but by the end of the day, everything had smoothened out. thank gawd.

today's pretty uneventful. well, aside that from that "mangga" incident which, i think, my dad purposedly told me just tonight so i would sleep early. pfft. as if that'd make me. im NOT scared. tsssssssss. uh....ok...im a BIT scared. not enough to make me stop from my late-night internet addiction though. =P

pissed? yeah, a little. it's all good though. makes my life more interesting.

im hoping tonight's gonna go pretty smoothly.

so, there.

hazy. uncertainty. fright. melancholy. ulterior. vulnerable. delusional. fury. desolate. loss. worthless. pity. fury. betrayal. bruised. torn. tattered. blue. sadness. frustrations. shame. angered. misery. rage. loneliness. rejection. DESPAIR....

take notice, take interest, take me with you

i had a very very very stressful day today. i think everyone hates me. i even think me hates myself too.

i've argued with three people today. yes, three. one -- two -- three. three. not just one...or two, but THREE.

do i give a shit? NO. am i bothered? NO.

a friend said that maybe the problem's with me. i think hearing me telling my side of the story made him realize that it's my fault...or at least it was partly my fault.

did i agree with him? NO.

putting up with an unbelievable amount of shit left me like this. DIFFICULT. stubborn. APATHETIC. stoic. and that's but just a few. i can go on and on and on but that would take too much time and energy.

can you blame me? I DONT THINK SO.

im tired of putting up with other people's shit. i got shit of my own. shit too much for a 20-ish girl, if i may add. and i could only handle so much. im tired of thinking about how other people might feel...or think... or how they might react. im tired of being empathetic and yet still end up hurt and disappointed. im tired. im tired. IM TIRED.

can anyone please give me a friggin' glass of friggin' water?!

the wonders of free photo hosts

i've recently discovered a way to post pictures on my site. (it's uber-cool by the way) i think it may have gone pretty much outta hand. i got a couple of pictures i've wanted to post since day one but didn't have any idea how to. so now i'm posting it all at the same time. wheeeee!

this is fun.

this is DEFINITELY fun!

mine... all mine....

uber-delish!

MY chris effin' carrabba....


*kilig* *kilig*

this is about as social as i get now 

This is where I say I've had enough
And no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound,
a trophy display of bruises
And I don't believe that I'm getting any better.
Any better.

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
And I'm thinking awful things
I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.

Wandering this house like I've never wanted out
And this is about as social as I get now.
And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you
Cause they would never do,
I would never do.
Never…

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
And I'm thinking awful things
I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.

But don't be a liar
Don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
And your eyes say the jokes on me.

But, I’m not laughing
You’re not leaving
Who do I think I am kidding?
When I’m the only one locked in this hell

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
And I'm thinking awful things
I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.

So don't be a liar
Don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor
And your eyes say the jokes on me.


***saints and sailors
DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL

the picture PoHa LoCa took for me

this is one of the pictures PoHa LoCa took at Radio City NY for me....
i just wish he bought 'em for me too though...sigh. oh well!
thanks anyways PoHa LoCa..

my love-hate relationship with PoHa LoCa

we have a relationship?! wahahahaha! oooo...k. just so you know, i love PoHa LoCa but i'm NOT IN LOVE with him.

anyways, he was over at Radio City today in New York and while browsin' through the cd's he saw Dashboard Confessional albums and dvd's and immediately took pictures of 'em. he remembered me daw. (oh come on PoHa LoCa! remembered? JUST remembered?! now...now... it's OK to admit that you're thinkin' about me. =P) he knew that i didn't have a hard copy yet and im dying to get one. and as much as i wanted to do that, i can't. (yeah. it sucks big time!) well not until i get back at Manila. which, im not even sure if it's available there.

Poha Loca, i love you for takin' time to take pictures and sending them to me...such a nice gesture, really... but i also hate you for it. drrrrr... you know na i starve for DC na nga tpos dinagdagan mo pa ang craving. hrmf! sigh. can't you just buy 'em and send 'em to me? please? pretty pretty puhlease?!

im still drooling over the pictures.

*whines*

"why can't you all be mine? why?! whyyyyyy?!!?!"

*whines some more*

another one of 'em damn quizzes. and yes, im THAT bored.

Gucci. Sophisticated yet sensual, you are
cutting-edge. Extremely classy, your attitude
can sometimes be described as snobby. However,
you are always elegantly outfitted in the
latest trend. You are modern and usually
serious, but sexual at the same time. As far as
guys are concerned, you tend to go after the
rich CEO. Guys love your tough-girl attitude
and can't resist your bold charm.


Which fashion designer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

oh hell yeaahhh.

past life

You were a 1940s movie star!


What Was Your Past Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

i died 'cause im a junkie and i did not even reach 30.

fabulous.

well, at least i looked good. gah!

tsh.

aura

Your aura shines Red!


What Color Is Your Aura?
brought to you by Quizilla

now let's dissect this into tiny lil reese's pieces...

uhh...can i say most of it is bull?! i have to admit, i could be really passionate at times but i'm not full of it. and full of sexuality? hmmmn.. haha. oooooo...k. MAYBE.

i can't see myself as a born winner 'cause all of the things i've achieved, i've worked REALLY hard for. and i don't think i've gained power ever (whatever the hell that means).

i AM uber-honest and loyal. i just always end up with cheaters and assholes. damn! *puts her fingers in the shape of an "L" on her forehead*

yeah. it'd be really hard for you to stop me from doing something i've already put my mind into. i could be pretty stubborn. and not to mention, i have a morbid case of OCD.

model and athlete?! are you kiddin' me?! 'nuff said.

can't be told to relax? are you friggin' serious?! tell me to relax and i'll do it in a flick of a switch. i love relaxing. really. haha.

who the hell makes these quizzes?!

screwed

everything is so friggin' fucked up and there's no one else to blame but YOU!

you are the reason why everything is screwed. you messed up my life. you messed up his life. you messed up her life. you messed everyone's friggin' lives. i don't even understand why scoundrels like you even exist. you have no reason to be here whatsoever. you are just existing to piss everybody off. and you are even screwing up your OWN life and you don't have the slightest-teeniest-tiniest-bit of a clue.

it's your fault why im hurt, pissed, screwed, angry, stressed, depressed, disturbed, tormented, and suicidal. and i friggin' HATE you for it.

you could go to hell and i dont fuckin' friggin' care.

gah!

I can't remember why we fell apart
From something that was so meant to be, yeah
Forever was the promise in our hearts
Now, more and more I wonder where you are

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

Still have your picture in a frame
Hear your footsteps down the hall
I swear I hear your voice,
driving me insane
How I wish that you would call To say

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you

(No more) loneliness and heartache
(No more) crying myself to sleep
(Don't want no more) wondering about tomorrow
Won't you come back to me

Come back to me, oh
Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

I miss you
I miss you
I miss you


*** ANYTIME
Brian McKnight

the birthday that was

thanks mum and dad for that scrumptious dinner. that was ALL i ever wanted for today. mucho thanks to all the people who texted, and greeted, and called, and emailed. (KUYA DARWIN thanks for calling ^_^)

all in all, it was a fun day. i was so surprised that alot of people remembered. including those ones i really DIDN'T expect to.

masaya ang birthday ko. masaya ang maraming friends. masaya ma-regaluhan ng isang box ng decadent chocolate cake. masaya ang maalala ng mga friends mong kahit nasa honeymoon ay di nakakalimutang i-greet ka. masaya ang buhay ko. at dapat masaya din ako.

why do i feel so friggin' melancholic then?! ugh. from poha loca's words, "it's ok...the idea of you being old is just sinkin' in.." oh ok, those weren't exactly his words but ALMOST. na-erase ko na kse ung message.

yeah. it's probably that. im old. im an old geezer with a very uncertain future. fabulous.

im happy.

im sad.

i still need to get a life.

darnnit

im gettin' oh-so-friggin' MeLaNcHoLic, it's not even funny.


UGH.

blah blah blah

yO sHaWtY...

iSh mAh bUrDeY....

wE gOnNa pArTy LiKe

iSh mAh bUrDey!!!






ugh. i must sound like an airhead.

but yeah. it's my birthday.

dang, im old!

fun, escorts, and sleeping early

i had fun last night. the most fun i had in weeks. a friend of mum's treated me to a night at the Barcelo-Asturias Hotel here in Palawan. i've been there alot of times already but only to dine. last night, i had the chance to actually sleep there. the room i stayed in wasn't any different from my room at home (which is very very comfy,i might say) but there's something about hotels that makes you wanna stay there. babaw nuh? and of course i went for a swim. i was with a couple of friends. it was fun.

and oh, here's something that made my night pretty interesting. there were three (3) female escorts there. i know...they're people too but with all the hype about female escorts going around town, it makes you wanna see one. like REALLY see one. face to face. and just my luck, i saw three (3). they looked like they're all minors. really. my mum's friend told me that they're from maalikaya (a massage parlor in quezon city, i think) i saw them when i went in but they were with the town mayor then. they were about to go when we came. then when i went for a swim i saw them there again. bumalik na pala sila. after an hour, three (3) men came. i take it they're city officials too. ang sarap kunan ng picture. blackmail. hehehe. (well, of course i didn't) at first they were like trying to act like conservative and shit then may dumating na foreigner. ayun...diretso sa room nya. all three of 'em. when i transferred from the pool to the jacuzzi, i saw all of 'em inside the foreigner's room. dont get me wrong i WASN'T stalking them. it just so happened that the jacuzzi was in front of the foreigner's room and the door was open so nakita ko sila. then after a few minutes, one of the guys invited one of 'em to the pool. and man, they flirted like cats-that-needs-a-hell-of-a-scratching.

anyways, funny. i dunno. i don't care really. maybe i just wanted to see one. and i did. THIS IS MAKING NO SENSE AT ALL. totally totally senseless. and POINTLESS.

anyways, i slept at around 12. the earliest i've slept in months. siguro i got tired from swimming din. and oh, nagbabad pa muna pala ako sa tub. ang saya. darn. babaw. hehehe.

i haven't gone home yet. probably i'll get home at around 11pm the earliest. they're planning to go clubbin' tonight. hmmmn...

so, that's pretty much everything that happened to me last night.

one liners

i think i fixed the comp.


i need to clean my room.


the tv's on but i ain't watchin.


my back hurts.


i need to get up and get movin'.


i don't wanna.


too lazy.


yeah, stubborn.


sigh.


i need to get a life.

hatred part II

i really really really really hate friggin' mosquitoes. hate is even an understatement. i DESPISE mosquitoes. ugh.

REALLY.

and things get worse...

i kindov know now what the hell's wrong with the pc. i apparently downloaded a program on the internet. i swear! i didn't know. oh mehn!

help. please?

hatred

i hate MOSQUITOES.

really.

this is about as social as i get now.

my hands hurt. my phalanges hurt. pretty much everything on my upper limbs hurt. ugh.

i was home alone again today. just watched friggin' tv and then i got bored. i brought out my journal. (yep, i have a hard copy. =P) and tried to rewrite stuff. probably one of the reasons why my hands hurt. i'm about done transfering entries. ang dami kasing arte. i have two more entries to rewrite. oh...make that 3. (including this one.)

and i ran out of green ink. it sucks that i ran out of green ink. i had to make do with my red and black inks (yeah, i know that's gray. eh pano ko makikita kung black ilalagay ko jan?! togenks.). bleccccchhhh!

i brought out my Manuf Phar book too, and attempted (ATTEMPTED, being the operative word.) to study. well, that didn't happen.

pc's acting up on me. ugh. i'd just re-installed the printer driver 'cuz the friggin' thing won't print. and then right after that, when i tried to turn the pc off, the FRIGGIN' THING WON'T SHUTDOWN. what the hell is friggin' wrong?! ugh!

it's a friggin' "FRIGGIN' UGH!" day today.

hmmmmn....

yeah. that's pretty much everything.

UGH.


*** YUPPEEE BURDEY ANGELO! CONGRATULATIONS JB AND JP!

rapid hope loss

You've come to say you want it all,
but I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you got to fall before you're found out.
Thanks for waiting this long to show yourself, yourself
Because now that I can see you,
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE WORTH
A SECOND GLANCE

So much for all the promises
you've made.
It served me well and now you're gone
And they're wasted on me.
So much for your enduring sense of charm.
It served you well and now it’s gone
And YOU'RE wasted on me.

You've come to say you want it all,
but I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you’ve got to fall before you're found out.
Well thanks, thanks for waiting this long
to show yourself, to show yourself
Because now that I can see you,
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE WORTH
A SECOND GLANCE

So much for all the promises
you've made.
It served me well and now you're gone
And they're wasted on me.
So much for your enduring sense of charm.
It served you well and now it’s GONE
And YOU'RE wasted on me.

I guess that all you’ve got is all you're gonna get.
So much for, so much more.....
I guess that all you’ve got is all you're gonna get.
So much for, so much more.....

Do what you must, if that's what you wish.
I can't be a part into this...
You've got a sense that you were born with...
You'll find a way to make things right.

I guess that all you’ve got is all you're gonna get.
So much for, so much more....
I guess that all you’ve got is all you're gonna get.
So much for, so much more....


*** RAPID HOPE LOSS
A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar
Dashboard Confessional

confessions of an obssessed lil heiny

the self-confessed blog addict is back! whooopeeeeee!

i haven't posted for days. yes, you heard that right...DAYS. would you believe that?!

so what've i been doing for the past few days? listened to cd's i told myself i would but haven't gone around doing. yeah. being the stubborn ass that i am. haha.

anyhoo, one band got me hooked. i think i've written about DC here. it's official. im OBSSESSED with DaShBoArD CoNfEsSiOnAL. they're so freakishly good, it's not even funny. not to mention, their hunkaliciously gorgeous lead vocals too (Christopher Carrabba, you can rock my world anytime!!!) . he's enough reason to make you listen to 'em. i promised myself i'll get "A Mark, A Mission, A Band, A Scar CD" and if moolah permits "Places You Have Come To Fear Most" and "Dashboard Confessional Unplugged" when i get back home. It sucks that their record bar here doesn't have DC. grrrrrrr....

expect to see (and hear) songs of 'em here. im sure to post lots. hehe. and hey, waddaya know...im posting one later. so any of you who doesn't like em..... BITE MY GORGEOUS LIL ASS!!!

limbo

ever felt like you don't know what to do with your life? you have lots of plans but can't do it because nothing ever goes YOUR way? i'm definitely having that episode now.

i hate to admit it but, i've been idle for about a year now. yeah. a year. it sucks, really. many are envious of my situation. they're envious of my having not to worry about anything... my staying up and waking up anytime i want.... my not having to cram for exams or being sleep-deprived because of school or work. i love cramming! i love being sleep-deprived! i hate not doing anything! believe me when i say it's NO FUN. no fun at all. i'd trade places with you guys anytime!

not doing anything makes you depressed. being idle makes you feel like you're totally worthless. that no matter what you do or try to do, it still makes you feel you're not working enough.

i've hit dead air. i'm in limbo.

i hate life.

i hate me.

i hate me.

im in love

dashboard confessional so effin rocks!!!

and the lead vocal's deliciously yummy too!

i want 'em! i want 'em! i want 'em!!!

DC, you can rock my world anytime!

so broken

kirsten: “tell me keith, how did we become so broken?”
keith: “we fell in LOVE..”

Sad.

the dirty work

ridding the world of brainless, lame-ass, self-centered shitbrains is the least thing i want to do.
but alas! i've been unofficially appointed to do this tedious task.

i've encountered shitbrains all my life. kids, teens, even men in their 30's. all of them shitbrains. it is not worth the effort really, but sad to say, i can do nothing about it. i've been assigned to do the dirty work and i cannot turn my back.

i have to admit, in some cases i find it quite entertaining. bashing on self-centered nutheads is such a good outlet for pent-up anger. it's fun being able to release all that angst on one person without the guilt. and you should see their brainless rebuttals. really really entertaining.

there are a few cases that gets to me, though. mostly with narcissistic loudmouths who don't want to listen and admit to their faults. this is the time where i have to resort to the meanest, most heartless thing anyone could ever do..... ruining their make-believe world where they are king, and telling them that in reality, they are really NOTHING. balls-less, brainless NOTHINGS.

it takes a whole lot of balls, guts, and brains to be able to do this job. i have to be apathetic, stoic. i could sometimes be really mean and heartless, but that doesn't mean im cruel. it's hard having to do this task but i've no choice. i have to be all this things, even if i dont want to. besides, nobody wants a world full of these pests.