backslides, anyone?

"Just because my eyes don't tear doesn't mean my heart doesn't cry. and just because i come out strong doesn't mean there's nothing wrong. often, i choose to pretend i'm happy so i don't have to explain myself to people who would never even understand. Smiling has always been easier than explaining why i'm sad..."


:(


it.
just.
hit.
HOME.

i've been in love
a time or two
i've seen the world
when i'm with you
i wanna fly
and spread my wings
i don't wanna cry
i wanna sing...
i want to live
and take a chance
I'M NOT AFRAID
TO LOVE AGAIN...
i wanna fall
fall for you...
AND I WANT YOU
TO FALL FOR ME TOO...


*******

pathetic song, ain't it. ultimate cheese. but it just stuck. and yes, i really wanted you to fall for me too.

i went out so i could forget. i went out cos i wanted to get distracted. it did, at some point. but everything just reminds me of you. it's a conspiracy. the video playing on the monitor when we got in. the k-hon. the vocalist... for a moment there i thought he was you.

the past week had just been my worst. you know the calm before the storm? that was two weeks ago. and now im in the eye of the tornado and there's no way out. how i got into this situation, is totally my fault.

it would've been really easier if you were a jerkwad, an asscrack, or if i just plain hate your guts. but no. you had to be the nicest boy, the cutest one at that... the good son... the ever reliable friend. it's not your fault that i had to like you. you prolly don't even have the slightest idea that i do.

i've always hated, nay, despised this feeling. cos everytime i feel this way, i know pain's next... that's for sure. but i still gave in. yeah. stupid me gave in.

in my attempt to cover up how im feeling, it made me more sad and mad at myself for even thinking of trying. now i'm screwed and there's no turning back.

woe is me.

:( :( :(

and it's confirmed....

broken more than ever.

it hurts. it hurts like hell and there's nothing i can do. that makes it even more hurtful. it's bound to happen anyway. i knew it from the start. can you blame me for trying though?

:(

to hell and back...

had i known that it would be THIS painful, i wouldn'tve gone and tried to know you. not even as friends.

i haven't felt like this since that dreadful, stormy, july-tuesday. devastated. crushed. helpless. it's like pseudo-boyfriend all over again, only, worse.

i knew it was wrong to get out of the wall i so tirelessly built and get into the world again. i was ok. i was doing great... UNTIL you came along. i went out, hesitantly, of course. you were there right outside. you were nice, it was nice, and everything else was nice, and i never thought life could get any sweeter.

it wasn't.

it was still the cruel, sick, sad world i tried to turn my back from. you love and you love and you love and you love (in this case, you like and like and like and TRY to be nice) but you still beget hatred. it's cruel. it's mad. it's heartless.

i'll go get inside my wall again. build it much higher if i can. cos this thing, right here... i can take no more of this.



*******
this'll NEVER get better.

now my fairy tale's ended.

yes, it ended even before it had really started. i knew i'm bound for disappointment but i still went for it. yes, im STUPID and somebody should kick me in the ass. HARD.

nobody believed me. i knew it was nothing but everyone thinks im just in denial or something. but i'm not. "it" was NOTHING.

everything just blew up in my face.




and i'm crushed. :(





i need a hug. :( :( :(